bigsisternenna

"You're to young to be stressed"

something my mum used to tell me during my  teens. On the contrary, being stressed has become a norm within teenagers and  everyone gets to deal with it sooner or later. Some people handle it better then others and some people may never recover. You see, I believe mental health is fragile and without proper care - like the care of the body and the soul - it can damage. Whether or not it changes us depends on the situation, but I do believe that to much stress can influence who we are longterm. I'm in my early 20's, I left school behind when I was 17 and I like to say that the last 5 years off my life have really shaped me.... one way or another. Early on we get told that once out of school we have to work, get a job, doesn't matter what as long as it pays the rent so you can move out, have a family, work until your pension and then simply die. Maybe not in those exact words but, really, isnt that what it comes down to?  "what could you possible be stressed about?"  I learned some basic skills during my 5 years of highschool but nobody really taught me about life and the real world. I wish someone would have prepared me for the world out there - one that isnt as kind to everyone.

My mum raised me well and I had a little brother to be an example to. I never had much succes in keeping friends, I was shy, introverted and I chose the kids who were bullied to be friends with which resulted in me being outcasted too.  I was sucked into this own little world of mine. Only good things existed in there and I was content. For the next years of my life school didnt have anything else for me in stock but repetitive years. Making friends, losing them, teachers being a pain. I think we can all relate when I say that highschool isn't much more then that. Until my late teens I never had a care for anything in the world - and when I say none I mean absolutely none. I was a very down to earth, realistic and optimistic girl-  and then it all changed when the fire nation attac-  i mean, when I graduated.  I had found myself in quite the drama between teachers and "friends' and it resulted in me dropping out of college. That same year I got sick and everything went down hill. "Why dont you say anything?" They taught us that having a job is important, getting money is important, being independant is important but they didnt teach us that taking care of yourself is more important then anything. It is easy to forget ourselfs in a society like this. A society that rather hides mental illness then to talk about it,  half of the worlds population probably gets to deal with it sooner or later and prescribing pills is easier then to talk about it.
We are all preparing for life during highschool but when we graduate the world seems nothing like the world we were promised is what I thought.

In my case, my illness made me only see the negative of this world,  when I realised that it was similar to being hit in the face with a brick - but over and over and over as I grew into my mental illness.  The stress and pressure of needing to do what I thought I needed to do but unable to do the thing was the one thing that created my illness. I kept thinking to myself "What if I learned about taking care of myself during my teens, would that have prepared me for what was to come?" 

When I was 17, I developed Anxiety. A fear of "working" that grew out to a fear of life. The next years of my life consisted out of being at home, playing games, making art and trying to get a job. I seeked counciling, that failed, I gave up. It layed low for a couple of years. I didn't have any responsibility, I didn't need to go out and mingle with other people outside my own 4 walls. I didn't even have to do shopping or make rent for myself. My anxiety saw no reason to be present. The year I turned 21 my anxiety came back and I had frequent panick attacks. My mum, who didn't believe me at the time thought I was faking an illness to stay home. She didn't learn about mental illness and neither did I. "I knew what I felt and what I thought but I couldnt express myself properly. I could not blame her" My mum wanted me to get a job which triggered my anxiety to the present. It had already changed me slightly but I like to say I still had my marbles rolling. I met my boyfriend that year, The anxiety that was oh so present once again layed low. After a while, he became part of my daily routine - the same I had followed for 4 years  - and anxiety came back... only this time it brought a friend.

I remember when I told my mum about my Depression it wasn't exactly the response I expected. I realised only those who had experienced it before could relate to my thoughts.. but that wasn't what I wanted. The next couple of months there wasn't anything more that I wanted then understanding from my family and friends. My counciler wanted me to get on pills, which I refused. This illness that I have is inside of my own mind, I wanted to experience this consciously and battle it myself. I wanted to overcome my own demons, I didn't want to hide them with any medication.